So, You’re Working in an Office?
Oh hello there, I am good thanks. It looks like you’re going to be heading into an office to do your job. Maybe it’s your first time entering this banal workaday world, or maybe you have become distracted by all of the dairy products hiding in the fridge (those Babybel are up to something) and you’ve decided to make your way back to a “workplace environment”. Regardless of your reasons, some workplace tips would not go amiss. Here are some tricks of the trade to get back into the office swing:
1. Look Busy
This should apply to most things you do in the office, but not everything. Nobody likes a frantic pisser, but whenever you’re at your desk you need to look incredibly busy. Not just a little busy, but an intense level of busy. You need to give off the impression that if you finish that report in the next 5 minutes, the doctor will reverse the diagnosis. Always make it look like you’re up to something.
Even if you have done all of your work, make it look like there’s still mountains of it to go. If you give off the whiff of not having anything to do (which is most of the time) they will be all over you and actually giving you things to do. Always look swamped by your workload. Ask any manager or CEO or Assistant-Bootlick and they will tell you that, “the aesthetic of productivity is far more important than actual productivity”.
2. Tea and Coffee
Do you drink warm, caffeinated drinks? You do now! Tea and coffee consumption is so important to the office way of life that it is practically a personality trait. Over 35% of people that have probably worked in an office define themselves by glugging coffee, or a “a steaming hot cup of joes” as it is colloquially known. One man interviewed once said, “I am practically almost a coffee bean now”.
Tea and Coffee is not just a way of showing your humanity. It can also get you out of doing that dreaded work. Making a tea or coffee takes time, time away from your desk and time away from those voices that constantly whisper things to you, things like: “It was not supposed to be this way, each breath is a betrayal”.
To make the most of this, always make sure extra kettle breaks are timed equidistantly between your lunch and any smaller breaks you may be allowed. This will allow for more time away from the work aspect of your job (More like the worst aspect of the job, amiright?)
Seasoned timewasting pros add an extra bit of spice to this technique, and it is worth stealing. When they go to make themselves a steamy beverage they will always offer to make it for everyone in the office. The reason they do this is not because it makes them look friendly, but because if you’re making a hot drink for 6–10 people then you will be away from your desk for longer. Get that kettle on!
3. Keep Safesearch On
Sometimes you might feel frisky and that’s ok. We all do. However, this should not be at work. Keep it out of the office, you dirty dog.
If you get the urge to look up something naughty, like a little bit of smut, type in something more innocent instead. Like tractors.
4. Be Yourself, but not too Much
If you keep yourself to yourself too much in an office, it’s a bad look and you’ll come across like a freak. Do you have one of those people in your office? You know, someone that works alone in the basement? A bearded monstrosity that can’t really function around the watercooler? If you cannot think of anyone like this in your office, then it’s probably you.
To avoid transforming into this person, you should express yourself to your colleagues and let them know who you really are. However, do not overdo this. Cornering people outside the loo and telling them that crypto is the only way to protect finances from the “New World Order’s financial liquidation ray” is not going to hit KPI’s, is it Barry?
Don’t express yourself through your mouth, with pesky words that will let your thoughts, feelings and emotions slip out. Instead you should always keep what you say short and sweet. A good tip for beginners is to follow this simple saying:
If it doesn’t fit on the side of a mug,
Shut the h*ck up!
Opinions, like an office lunch break, should be kept brief and to their allotted time frame (or else).
5. Take up Smoking
The office can feel like an oppressive place, with its grey walls, grey ceilings, grey chairs, grey desks and incessantly flickering strip lights. The atmosphere can feel oppressive and never-ending. But, if you tell your manager that you’re going to step outside for five minutes, to take in some air and natural light, they will look at you like you have just shat on their children. However, if you say that you’re popping outside for a cigarette then everyone will be fine.
You could just pretend to smoke, so that you can get outside, but this could lead to awkward questions from your colleagues. These can include, but are not limited to: “Why do your clothes smell so fresh?” and, “How come your teeth and nails aren’t yellowing with time?”
It’s probably best to go full method and start puffing away as soon as possible. I would recommend at least 10 a day, to make sure you are getting the optimum amount of fresh air. Plus, smoking is a good way to combat the every increasing retirement age and the cost of living crisis. You can’t work if you’re dead!
Hopefully this little guide will provide you with some tippity tap top tips to make sure you get through the next 50+ years of office life. If not, you’re screwed.
